Tag Archives: Trump

In the midst of chaos….

I really hit the wall last week. I’ve struggled, as most people I know have, with the fallout from the last election. Each day seems to bring some new horror or fresh insult to my sensibilities. I vacillate between outrage, and numbness as I’m regularly faced with things I imagined only a few months ago were unthinkable.

I’d been avoiding talking about how I’ve been feeling, even as the stakes seem to climb. Part of that comes from the fact that I know my feelings aren’t unique. I simultaneously have so much to say – and at the same time don’t have anything new to contribute to the dialogue. And the rest is a mixture of powerlessness, and a sense of guilt that what’s happening is impacting others so much more than me. I’m keenly aware that as a white, straight, married, middle-class, employed, educated, middle-aged woman, I am far down to list of those who are at greatest risk for discrimination and persecution. Who am I to feel so affronted when I am, in many ways, so much safer than most?

But there are precious few degrees of separation between many people I care for deeply and what feels like imminent danger. And, although I’m aware that there is, and always will be, suffering and injustice; the proximity and rapid rise of these particular events are causing me to question what role I should be playing as an American…and as a person.

I’m desperately torn between my feelings of utter ineffectiveness in the face of what feels like a slide into dystopian nightmare, and a sense of myself that has never been willing to believe that I can’t change the world if I just apply myself (probably another manifestation of the privilege into which I was fortunate to be born).

All this led to a minor scene of me, sobbing quietly in the middle of a beer garden courtyard on a Thursday night, while my poor husband struggled to pull me together. I’ve always been a person of action. Doing nothing doesn’t work for me.

So I made a list of things I’ll do, with the absolute understanding that there are laughably small in the face of the mounting crisis our country faces. I hope that these are temporary measures until something more substantive comes along, steps that can hold off the despair I’ve been feeling until something more concrete presents itself….

1) I’ve changed my party affiliation from “Independent” to “Democrat”. I have a newfound understanding of the impact of “down-ballot” races and the importance of local politics. I need to vote in primaries. It’s silly but I sort of cherished refusing to align with a party. Being “Independent” seemed so courageous. I’m letting go of that vanity.
2) I bought an online subscription to the New York Times. I need to be better informed about the issues. Not in a “sound-byte” social media way, but in manner that really understands what’s happening, and what can happen next. Plus the free press needs support. No more reading for free. I can afford to pay for quality news and I will.
3) I’m learning Spanish. I got an app and a subscription to Babbel. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while. My grandmother was born in Cuba, coming to this country in her early teens, and her parents were from Spain. As a Spanish-speaker, I might be able to help someone in need. And I’ll be able to understand media from Spanish-speaking countries. I feel like that might be important.
4) I’m trying harder to take care of myself. Eating better, exercising more, making sure I’m seeing doctors when I should. I don’t expect to lose my health-care but it may get more costly and coverages may shrink. Plus my mental health is better when my physical health is at it’s best. I need all the stamina I can muster.
5) I’m making a commitment to write in this blog weekly. I’ve really struggled with this because there’s just so much to say, and I don’t know that any of what I have to express is original. So many voices have been brilliantly expressing the things I’m thinking about it.  So you’ll be hearing more from me these next few months. If you read my blog, I’m grateful. I appreciate your comments. If what I have to say resonates, I hope you’ll consider sharing. I don’t intend to present my viewpoints as unique. They’re just mine. And I’m trying to leave myself a trail of breadcrumbs to something that feel like sanity.

A dear friend of mine shared a quote with me this afternoon for Sun Tsu’s The Art of War (which I really must read), “In the midst of chaos, there is always opportunity”. I am hoping with all my being that this is true.

Do not lose heart. We were made for these times.

wlc

I’ll be honest. I expected it to be something of a “victory lap”. A symbolic display of fireworks in celebration of a war that was long past its climactic battles.

I serve on the board of my local Planned Parenthood affiliate and I was thrilled at the prospect of forming a group of donors who would contribute AND PUBLICLY declare their support for reproductive rights. It was the public declaration that had me so excited.

I thought the real enemy was stigma, antiquated ideas that few people even subscribed to any more– a “last gasp” of the Christian Patriarchy. I thought the list would be a triumphant opportunity to be fully “out” in our support, that we’d be delivering a final rebuke to small minds and rigid dogma. It seemed like a great opportunity to network, to start marshaling energy toward a broader social justice agenda….

And then the election happened.

Like many of the people I know, the outcome and its aftermath has been a cocktail of horror, disbelief, and intense anxiety. I realize my relative privilege will shield me from the worst of it but I have spent a lot of time despairing these days.

Yesterday the list was published. A full page of names. Mine alongside more than one hundred seventy other accomplished, committed, endlessly impressive women. And now it seems so much more like a revolutionary act, a digging in of my heels. I feel as if things have shifted a little.  My life is organizing itself around a new reality and my role in it is very clear.

I am part of something big.

This fight is for my lifetime.

We are so much stronger than anyone has imagined.

A Brief History of Sexual Assault

jill-with-angora-cat

I share these recollections, not because they are extraordinary – but because they are commonplace. They are tame compared to many of my peers. The events of the past few weeks have dredged these up and I felt like the only remedy was to leave them in the light.

I’m eleven, delivering pennysavers two blocks from my home. A man sitting in the driver’s seat of a nearby parked car calls me over. He shows me a magazine and asks me if I know any of the women in the pictures. The photos are crude amateur porn. I understand that the question isn’t a real one, but I play along and tell him no, that I don’t recognize them. He then asks me if I’ve ever seen a penis and I answer with more bravado than I feel that I have – because I have a baby brother. He pulls the magazine away to show me his. I’m careful not to flinch. It seems very important not to appear scared. He tells me to “watch, because something is going to happen.” I tell him politely that I need to finish my paper route. He watches me for several minutes as I walk house to house, then drives away. When I finish my deliveries, I go home and tell my parents. My mother tells me that the same thing happened to her when she was a girl. For her, it was the ice cream man. My dad has me get in the car and we drive around looking for the man. He’s silent but I can tell how angry he is. I am secretly relieved that we can’t find him. I can’t remember any of the details about the car, but I could pick him out of a lineup today.

I’m thirteen and it’s the first really warm day of summer. I unpack last year’s shorts and go to see a friend. Later, as I’m walking home for dinner, a middle-aged man in a Cadillac slows down as he passes me, unrolls his window and honks the horn. He doesn’t say anything, just holds his fingers up to his lips, flicking his tongue between then. I ignore him and keep walking. After a few minutes of driving alongside me, he drives away but he loops around the block and follows me again. By the fifth time he comes back, I’m frightened. I take note of the license plate, slip though a hole in the chainlink fence at the high school, and cut across the football field. When I get home, I call 911 but the dispatcher tells me there is nothing he can do. The man is rude, he tells me, but he hasn’t done anything wrong.

I’m fifteen and I’ve gone with some friends into the city to watch the St. Patrick’s Day parade. It’s very cold so we’re bundled up and packed tightly into the jostling crowd along the parade route. Suddenly, a woman standing next to me taps me on the shoulder, looks behind me and scowls dramatically. I turn to see that the person behind me, a tall man in business clothes, has his pants open. He’s been rubbing himself on the back of my coat. I shriek. My friends turn to see and they all scream with laugher as the man disappears into the crowd.

I’m sixteen, and I say, “no” but my boyfriend doesn’t stop. A half dozen of my guy friends are hanging out in the room below us, easily within earshot but I stay quiet. I’m not entirely sure what will happen if I call for them – if they’ll help me – or join him.

I’m seventeen and living on my own. I ride the A-train into the city every day to go to work where I’m a receptionist. The rush hour train is packed with people and I rarely get a seat. Standing in the middle of the crowded train car, men put their hands on me nearly ever day. It never occurs to me that I could confront them. I pride myself on how stoic I am, not letting them know how much what they’re doing rattles me. I stare straight ahead and grip the metal pole as tightly as I can. “It’s just my body”, I tell myself, “It isn’t ME”. I am still four months shy of my 18th birthday.

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